What To See Next

(c) John Alto 2007

“I buy Playboy magazine because I like to read the articles.”

It’s an old line that men have used for decades. But for those who have had the pleasure of reading Jean Shepherd’s “nostalgia” stories, the majority of which appeared in Playboy throughout the sixties, it could very well be a true statement. Because Shepherd’s stories were so extremely well written and falling-down funny, I hardly even noticed the pictorial spreads beginning on pages 56, 87 and 121.

I had the pleasure of meeting Jean Shepherd and hearing him speak back in the late sixties. While I can’t remember the exact year, I can still clearly remember how he had the audience spellbound. If you’ve read Shepherd, you know what I mean, because he spoke exactly the same way her wrote. He was absolutely mesmerizing, incredibly witty and an uncanny observer of human nature.

Shepherd was born in 1921 and spent his formative years in Hammond, Indiana, a town frequently referred to as Hohman in his stories. His experiences there and in the Army Signal Corps were the source of many of his creative endeavors. For he wasn’t just a writer, but also a humorist, disc jockey, radio talk show host, actor, television personality, film narrator and, above all, a master storyteller.

He acted in films and on the stage; he spun records and did live shows on the radio; he performed on college campuses all across the country; and he wrote books, articles, columns, plays and screenplays.

And, of course, there were his Playboy stories.

Even the titles of his stories were adventurous reads. How could you not get totally drawn into a yarn called “Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-Chilling Saga of the Snail-Encrusted Tinfoil Noose?” Or “Leopold Doppler and the Orpheum Gravy Boat Riot?” Not to mention “Old Man Pulaski and the Infamous Jawbreaker Blackmail?”

None of these stories, by the way, had anything to do with “A Christmas Story,” a film many critics have called a modern-day Christmas classic. In fact, the film drew almost totally from two Shepherd books, IN GOD WE TRUST, ALL OTHERS PAY CASH and WANDA HICKEY’S NIGHT OF GOLDEN MEMORIES AND OTHER DISASTERS.

The main story line of “A Christmas Story” is little Ralphie Parker’s obsession with getting a genuine Red Ryder Carbine Action Two Hundred Shot Lightning Loader Range Model Air Rifle. It’s based on the Shepherd story “Red Ryder Nails the Hammond Kid,” which originally appeared in the December 1965 Playboy. For some reason, the title was slightly embellished to “Duel in the Snow, or Red Ryder Nails the Cleveland Street Kid” when it was reprinted in IN GOD WE TRUST, ALL OTHERS PAY CASH.

In spite of warnings from his mother, his teacher and even Santa Claus that “You’ll shoot your eye out,” Ralphie is not just determined, but absolutely consumed by the desire to own that rifle. To his delight, his “old man” comes through with a last-minute surprise and Ralphie heads out into the cold and snow to test his prized firearm. When a chance ricochet sends a BB into his glasses and cracks the lens, Ralphie concocts an absurd icicle alibi rather than acknowledging that Mom knew what she was talking about. Is there a youngster among us who has never had such an eye-opening revelation about the wisdom of older folks? In true Mom fashion, of course, she believes the young lad and comforts him. But did he really put one over on her? We are left to wonder.

Shepherd’s ability to interpret the world through a child’s innocent eyes with humor and tenderness is evident in this scene and throughout the movie. I particularly liked the part where Ralphie uses his decoder ring to decipher a secret message given over the radio. He can hardly contain himself as he anticipates what great mysteries will be revealed, and then is mightily disappointed to find it was just a sales pitch for the radio show sponsor’s product. Full details of this heart-warming episode can be found in “The Counterfeit Secret Circle Member Gets the Message, or the Asp Strikes Again.”

Another memorable part of “A Christmas Story” is from the story “My Old Man and the Lascivious Special Award that Heralded the Birth of Pop Art.” One evening, the old man gets a mysterious package delivered to the front porch. Inside, to his delight, is a magnificent lamp in the shape of a woman’s leg. The old man had won the lamp in some obscure contest he had entered and forgotten about. He soon becomes almost as obsessed with the leggy beauty as Ralphie was about having an air rifle. He sits and admires it for hours on end, much to the chagrin of Mom, who is clearly a bit jealous. This voyeuristic behavior goes on for weeks until, strangely, the lamp is found broken. Could Mom have been instrumental? Again, we can only speculate, but she did seem to perk up after the unfortunate accident.

In another adventure, poor Ralphie is accosted on the way home from school one day by Grover Dill, the neighborhood bully. Dill is notorious throughout Indiana as a nasty, uncouth guy who is evil strictly for evil’s sake. Ordinarily, Ralphie would walk blocks out of his way to avoid Dill. But on this particular day, he is in a hurry to get home, perhaps to decode another secret message. In any event, Ralphie’s mind snaps and he is filled with pent-up rage that must be released. Oblivious to his pickle, Ralphie attacks Dill, knocks him to the ground and unleashes a furious pummelling about his head. Finally exhausted, he lets Dill up and he runs away crying and humiliated. Though he is jubilant and heralded as a hero by the startled onlookers, Ralphie is thoroughly shaken by the experience and sheds a few tears himself. As explained in “Grover Dill and the Tasmanian Devil,” we all have a demon lurking inside waiting for the right time and place to be released. Unfortunately for Grover, he was there at Ralphie’s time and place.

Two of the funniest scenes in the movie originated in “The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds.” The first scene was when the new nest-door neighbors’ (that would be the Bumpuses) dogs, dash into the Parker’s kitchen and carry off the Christmas ham just as they are about to enjoy their holiday dinner. This was especially frustrating because the entire family, especially the old man, had been drooling over the ham for hours. The second scene takes place in a Chinese restaurant, the only place the Parkers could find open on Christmas evening. The Chinese wait staff singing Christmas carols is absolutely hilarious, as is the goose that’s served with the head still attached. In the original story, which appeared in “Wanda Hickey’s Night of Golden Memories,” the holiday was actually Thanksgiving and the turkey was pilfered rather than a ham.

If not totally autobiographical, many of Shepherd’s tales at least draw heavily from his childhood experiences and recollections of life in Indiana during the twenties and thirties. In fact, they chronicled his life, through the Ralph Parker character from early childhood through grade school, high school and his Army days. One story, “Lost at C,” took in a semester at college with Ralph. The “C,” incidentally, referred to the grade received by average students. “Return of the Smiling Wimpy Doll,” which features absolutely hilarious directions for assembling an artificial Christmas tree made in Japan, is the only story that depicts Ralph as an adult. Very appropriate for Christmas, the story is about a mysterious box of toys that is left at Ralph’s front door. He goes through them and reminisces about each one, so in essence, it’s also about his childhood.

This year, you will undoubtedly see “A Christmas Story” on many theatre marquees and, of course, on television. The film’s stars are the late Darren McGavin and Melinda Dillon as Ralphie’s parents and the now mostly forgotten, Peter Billingsley as Ralphie. Directed by Bob Clark of “Porky’s” fame, “A Christmas Story” was shot in just three months, from January through March of 1983, primarily in Cleveland. This was in spite of the fact that the weather was unseasonably warm and artificial snow had to be manufactured from potato flakes, shredded vinyl and fireman’s foam. Some footage was also shot in Toronto and St. Catharine’s, Ontario.

The fabled Santa scene was shot inside Cleveland’s Higbee’s Department Store, which had to be redecorated to look like Christmas. Shepherd, who narrated the film, appeared in this scene as the bearded man with the hat and overcoat.

JEAN SHEPHERD: THE PLAYBOY STORIES…
“Hairy Gertz and the Forty-Seven Crappies” (June 1964)
“Grover Dill and the Tasmanian Devil” (Sept. 1964)
“Waldo Grebb and His Electric Baton” (Dec. 1964)
“Old Man Pulaski and the Infamous Jawbreaker Blackmail” (Apr. 1965)
“Ludlow Kissel and the Dago Bomb that Struck Back” (July 1965)
“Leopold Doppler and the Orpheum Gravy Boat Riot” (Oct. 1965)
“Red Ryder Nails the Hammond Kid” (Dec. 1965)
“Miss Bryfogel and the Case of the Warbling Cuckold” (Aug. 1966)
“Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-Chilling Saga of the Snail-Encrusted tinfoil Noose” (Nov. 1966)
“Scut Farkas and the Murderous Mariah” (Apr 1967)
“The Secret Mission of the Blue-Assed Buzzard” (Sept. 1967)
“Return of the Smiling Wimpy Doll” (July 1968)
“Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss” (July 1968)
“Banjo Butt Meets Julia Child” (Dec. 1968)
“The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds” (Apr. 1969)
“Wanda Hickey’s Night of Golden Memories” (June 1969)
“County Fair” (Sept. 1969)
“Zinsmeister and the Treacherous Eighter from Decatur” (Jan. 1970)
“The Star-Crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski and Her Friendly Neighborhood Sex Maniac” (Dec. 1970)
“The Unforgettable Exhibition Game of the Giants Versus the Dodgers, Tropical Bush League” (May 1971)
“The Mole People Battle the Forces of Darkness” (Aug. 1971)
“Lost at C” (May 1973)
“A Fistful of Fig Newtons” (Aug. 1981)

JEAN SHEPHERD: THE FILMOGRAPHY…
“A Christmas Story” (1983)
“My Summer Story” (1994) A sequel to ‘“ Christmas Story,” also known as “It Runs in the Family.”

JEAN SHEPHERD: THE TELEVISION CREDITS…
“The Phantom of the Open Hearth” (PBS 1976)
“The Great American Fourth of July and Other Disasters” (PBS 1982)
“The Star-Crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski” (PBS 1983)
“The Great American Road-Racing Festival” (1985)
“Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss” (PBS 1988)